Well, this is probably not what you expected to read about today. “Vampires in America,” a new Travel Channel programme, features vampire hunters who genuinely believe they are looking for bloodsucking monsters. They are either incredibly talented actors or that. (I sincerely hope that this is a mockumentary, but I fully accept that there are individuals that are this insane.) The trailer has the appearance of a “Saturday Night Live” parody. The network tweeted:
A recent and alarming surge in homicides and missing persons cases in the southwest US has vampire hunters concerned that a large group of vampires may have emerged from hibernation. #VampiresInAmerica is on @discoveryplus and on Travel Channel tonight.
A recent and alarming surge in homicides and missing persons cases in the southwest US has vampire hunters concerned that a large group of vampires may have emerged from hibernation. #VampiresInAmerica is on @discoveryplus and on Travel Channel tonight. https://t.co/WeEKmzurqo pic.twitter.com/OdUZaOEWME
Trvl Channel (@travelchannel) February 1, 2022
Sure. A surge in homicides and occurrences of missing persons leads logically to the conclusion that vampires must be to blame. Not criminal. not weapons Not a serial murderer. Unquestionably mystical beings that feed off the blood of their victims. That’s science, then. By the way, you can watch this on Travel Channel and Discovery Plus.
Eric Streit and Marcel Von Tingen, two vampire hunters, are in the room with us. In the film, Streit claims that he first came into contact with a vampire when visiting Scotland “… well-dressed, captivating, and I felt attracted in. However, as you are lured in, you also get a sense of dread. But suddenly, fangs [growl]. That ended the enchantment.” Additionally, we learn that they have been cooperating since 2001 and have located proof in all 50 states. A video from 2020 was played, but what else were you intending to do in 2020 than party? No, you take action during a pandemic. You go after vampires. In the end, we discover that these two are the only vampire hunters operating in the country. (I have my doubts, strangely.)
No, Marcel, They’re Probably Not in the Grocery Aisle
In the video, Von Tingen states:
“I come from 25 generations of vampire hunters. Hearing the stories from my grandfather and from my father, vampires are so dangerous because they’re hiding in plain sight. They look like us. They talk like us. They could be in the grocery aisle, in the post office. They could be your doctor. They could be your next door neighbor. They could even be your priest.”
Could they, Marcel, I mean? They might be in your grocery store’s aisle. Do vampires not consume blood? Do they additionally sip Gatorade? But only the red variety. I also believe it’s strange to claim they could be priests and then show a crucifix, a common vampire hunting weapon. According to my memory, that was kind of a part of the whole priest thing. There is no way they are visiting the post office. Von Tingen claims that they are open at night, and I assure you that the post office closes early. I’m never able to arrive in time.
However, there’s still more. According to Streit, vampires have taken part in vampire fiction so they can remain undetected. (Bram Stoker was reportedly taking Dracula’s dictation from a vamp.) Oh, and they originated circa 68,000 BC and are hominids, however they are a separate species from humans. (He avoids using BCE. He, not I, was the one abusing BC.) That’s quite particular, so I’m curious to learn more. According to Von Tingen, there are 20,000 of them in the country and they have lived here since the Civil War.
That’s good to know, I suppose. Priests, the grocery store, and the post office are things I’ll attempt to avoid. Oh, I see; I already do that. Friends, I’m secure.